redgreenfandomcom-20200215-history
Possum Air/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW You know, I've seen people put some pretty weird stuff into hamburgers... Bread crumbs, egg yolk, chopped parsley! Man, maybe it's just me, but when a patty comes that close to containing all five food groups, it pretty much ruins the point of eating red meat in the first place. Personally, I have my own secret ingredient. It's cheap, it's plentiful, and here's the best part... It won't do a darned thing for your health. That's right... Popcorn. What you wanna do is stick about a dozen of these kernels into one side of the patty, and then lay her down on the b.B.Q. With that side down. Then you just go relax. And there you have it. While the popcorn doesn't do much for the taste or holding the meat together, I just don't like standing over a hot b.B.Q. Flipping burgers. [ popcorn popping ] [ applause ] [ cheers and applause ] thank you very much. Appreciate that. I'm just on my way to port asbestos to get a video for tonight's lodge meeting. We're gonna rent "flight of the phoenix". Have you seen that one where people crash their plane in the sahara and then build another plane out of the pieces? Oh, we love that movie. It's kinda like the handyman's "gone with the wind." so what do you say, uncle red? Well, I say give me 10 bucks worth of regular unleaded. No! No! No! It's a pilot's uniform. I got my wings. Well, you got wings, I'll get some fries, we'll have lunch. No! No! No! My real wings, my pilot's license. I can fly you to port asbestos. Congratulations, you're the first customer on possum air. The proud bird with the skinny, hairless tail. Don't you need a plane to fly anybody anyplace? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why I borrowed old man sedgwick's open cockpit world war I sopwith camel. Wait a sec, that's his chicken coop. Well, we took the chickens out. Chickens can't fly. But you can, if you're not chicken. Harold, you want me to risk my life? Why would I do that? Oh, come on, I don't ask you much. Please, please, please! Please, please, please, please, please! Oh, all right! Get the plane ready. Yes, sir! Oh! Okay. It's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheers and applause ] tonight's winner receives this coupon for a glorious weekend for one at possum lake's oldest inn... The dead squirrel. You can go nuts at the dead squirrel. Okay, cover your ears, ed. Red, you've got 30 seconds to get ed frid to say this word... Yeah, all right, winston. And... Go! Okay, ed, when you get a gut feeling about something that's your... Peptic ulcer. Okay, no, this is something you do without thinking. You become an animal control officer. Okay, ed, when your dog buries a bone in your backyard, what's kicking in? His hind feet. No, actually, this is something that you see in every animal. Oh, teeth. No, no, this is deep inside an animal. Oh, a veterinarian's arm. Winston: You guys are runnin' outta time, eh. Yeah, boy, I don't know what I can tell you. I don't think you're gonna win that weekend away. Well, that's okay, red. Ri didn't really wanna stay at the dead squirrel. That inn stinks. Yes! [ cheers and applause ] this is the repair shop part of the show we call, if it ain't broke, you're not trying. Joining me today is local water taxi captain hap shaugnessy. Haven't seen you in a while, hap. Where you been hiding? Oh, hollywood, red, the old dream factory. You a big movie star now, hap? Oh, don't be silly. They don't hand those jobs out to just anyone, you know. I'm a screenwriter. You written anything we might've seen? Yeah, a couple of sci-fi flicks. Ever heard of "star wars"? I thought george lucas had written all those. Oh, 'lucky' lucas, no, he just did the first draft. It was my idea to set it in outer space. Where did he wanna set 'em? France. I just didn't think that sounded believable. No, no, it doesn't. So what do you want me to fix here, hap? Answering machine. An old girlfriend of mine filled up the tape with messages. Now the rewind button is broken. Oh, boy, I don't think I can fix it. You know, I got another cassette machine here. I could probably just rewind your tape using that. Would that be all right? Yeah, that sounds good to me. So this girl you were going out with, one of your hollywood friends? Yeah, yeah. Gwyneth paltrow. The gwyneth paltrow? Are there a lot of them? You went out with gwyneth paltrow? Yeah, it was one of those may-December things. December of what year? Well, women are attracted to me, red. They find me mysterious. Mysterious or delirious. There we go. Let's listen to this. [ beep! ] [ hap's voice in high-pitched tone ] hi, hap, it's me again, film star, gwyneth paltrow. Please give me a call. I miss you, hap. Well, she sounds like somebody else. Yeah, she's a great actress, red. You might wanna think about being an actor yourself, hap. Oh, sure, I know, but I could never go into that line of work. You have to be able to pretend you're something you're not. They're professional liars. If I got paid to lie? A billionaire. You know, we're always looking for ways to raise a little extra cash around the lodge. So I got to thinking, boy, we got a lotta families coming up here. They always have a bunch of kids running around, driving everybody nuts. So I decided to make a ride for the kiddies, like the ones they used to have at the grocery store. Or maybe it was a little car or a fake pony or a rocket ship. You'd stick stick a dime in there, and it would shake for a minute. That was good value, wasn't it? I figure I can make something better than that out of this old coin-operated washing machine they threw out at the laundry mat after somebody tried to wash mattress in it. Who knew? And I'll tell you, at 10 cents a pop, this is the biggest cash cow the lodge has seen since, well, ever. Now all we do is attach my bar stool to the agitator, and that'll give us that back and forth motion that the youngsters really enjoy -- until they get dizzy and barf all over everybody. But first I gotta get the agitator outta there. Okay, I used the handyman's secret weapon to attach my barstool pole onto the agitator. But I took the seat off first, because I really want to maximize the enjoyment that a youngster is going to get out of this. See, now, if I mount the seat normally, all you get is the normal agitator action. But for that extra thrill you wanna go off centre. If there's one thing we do well at the lodge it's go off centre. Okay, I think we're ready for a little demonstration. Actually gonna use a stuffed animal as my test pilot because stuffed animals don't have parents that'll sue you. As a little extra safety feature, I'm gonna throw a seat belt on here. This would actually be a good idea for all the barstools up at the lodge. I tell you, the kids'll be lining up for this one. All right, time for lift-off. Anybody got a dime? You got a dime there? Give me a dime, will you? Give me a dime. Okay, please give me a dime. I'll get harold to clean your windshield, all right? Man, oh, man! Trust in the work place a thing of the past, I'm tellin' you. Okay, let's get ready to tumble. Everybody wins, see? The kid has fun; the parents have a break; and I'm up a dime! Gus, I'll pay you back, all right? Remember: If the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. And you don't have to worry about some kid hogging the ride the whole day, because if he stays on there too long, she kicks into the spin cycle. [ laughter and applause ] [ ♪ ] I figure a lot of you guys out there could benefit from my experience. That's a nice way of saying that in the great river of time, I'm a little farther up the creek than you are. Now, I bet that you still see yourself as that virile, outdoorsy guy that you were 20 years ago. I'm here to tell you that is no longer the case, because as those years have passed, nature has taken its course, and you have not been keeping up with the curriculum. Heading out into the wilderness at your age is only asking for trouble. You remember the last time you were in white water? Was it when you spilled your bromo in the hot tub? When's the last time you saw your hiking boots? Heck, when's the last time you saw your feet? Remember you used to grab the ol' knapsack before hiking up the mountain? Now you have to grab a nap in the sack before hiking up your pants! So forget about the wilderness. Just settle back into your la-z-boy, turn on the national geographic and watch the natural disasters in comfort. At our age, we don't need high adventure; we need high fibre. And if you eat enough oat bran, you may just get both. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. [ applause ] [ ♪♪ rock ] [ ♪♪♪ ] have to excuse the mess here. This is now the temporary departure lounge for possum air. There's nothing to do. A bottle of water will cost you five bucks, and the employees are all rude and surly, so it's pretty much like a real airport. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the inaugural flight of possum air. Thank you for your patience for our mechanical delay. We will be boarding this afternoon starting with seat number one. Thank you for flying possum air. It's the proud bird with the skinny, hairless tail. [ trembling ] [ whispering ] I've jut been informed there will be another slight mechanical delay. We will, um -- boarding will commence -- [ whispering ] oh! Shortly, ha! Come on, harold! If I'd taken the possum van I'd be halfway there by now, if it started. Okay, all right, well, um -- you know what we can do? We can do our security and save time on the other end. All right. Over there? What do you want me to do? Stand over here. And I'll just scan you with this, and this will tell me if you have any metal objects on you. Spread your arms! [ metal detector screeching ] oh! Oh! Oh! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ahhh! Okay, could you just empty all your metal objects into this bucket? Oh, sure, yeah. No problem. Okay. Okay. Okay, no, that's good. You know what? Let's just assume you're clear. Oh, all right. That's good, good. She's ready to fly, captain. I'm pretty sure. Did he call you captain? Oh, yeah, I'm the captain. And mike here is going to be your mechanic, co-pilot and steward. Uh, welcome aboard. Bienvenue. Oh, man! Here are your complimentary pretzels and your parachute. Uh, ici, uh, les, uh, gratis bretzel et, uh, le chute de, uh -- hm, para. Get outta here. Thanks for flying possum air. We don't know that yet. Red green: I asked walter to meet me behind the lodge because I wanted to empty the van. I needed an empty van for what I planned to do. And there was just the canoe left in there, and I thought, I can probably help him better this way. And we got her outta there, but the thing is the canoe was full of stuff, and walter just can't leave well enough alone. He's gotta start snoopin' around. Those are one of those fishing vests that have the tie-downs so you can tie your -- it's for deep sea fishing. You tie the rod right to the vest, and that way you get some help bringing the big ones in. And there was the deep sea rod. But what I was doing was I was gonna cut some trees down, do some chipping, and just empty her right into the van. Boy, those are a beautiful machine. The power in that thing is just -- of course, walter's still back fooling around. He sees a big lure in there, a huge lure really. So he's gotta goof around. He's got the thing tied to his vest, meanwhile, I'm taking some trees down that were in the way and preventing other trees from growing, in case anybody's interested. But look at the power of this unit. You just feed 'em in there, and look at that thing. I mean, look at that. Oh, my gosh, just right in there. I just look at that, I have to shave. That is so -- it's unbelievable. Of course, as a man, you get ideas. You see something like that and you start thinking about things you probably shouldn't be thinking about, and I'm looking around and there's nobody there. And I'm saying, hey, that's wicker. I wonder if anybody would -- I wonder -- come on! You know you'd do the same thing! There's not a man watching this who wouldn't wanna try this. And by geez, did she ever go in there good. I was just recycling wicker is what I was doing. Of course, walter casts there, and wouldn't you know it he gets snagged up high in a tree, and now he can't get the lure. And it just so happens that it's the very tree that's next on my hit parade there so down she comes. And I mean, this is a pretty good size tree, and to get that into -- I didn't know if the chipper -- had some resistance, but I just thought it was a heavy tree. I didn't realise I was pulling walter. But look at the power of this unit. You go in there, and up she goes and just cranks her right in just no problem. It's like watching moose thompson eat. And then walter's getting dragged along the ground there, and I'm thinking everything is great. I'm really enjoying this. I love power of any kind. And walter flips around there. 'course, he can't let go because it's tied -- oh, there go his shoes. He's got her tied to his vest, so he can't really -- now he's gonna try -- she starts to bog down. I figure, what the heck's going on? So I figure rather than see what the problem is, I'll just, you know, open up the throttle. So I got her goin' real good now. There's a lot of stress. I don't know -- oh, there we go. So in she goes, and I have no idea. Suddenly I have bits of shirt and crap coming out -- and fishing rod went through there. And walter comes over. He's got some big story. And really what he wants is a ride home. I say, well, look at the way you're dressed. Hey, come on. No shoes, no shirt, no service. [ cheers and applause ] [ ♪ ] don't you hate it when you go away on vacation and you forget to cancel the newspaper? I mean, burglars see all these newspapers sitting around here, it's like an invitation to just come on in. Luckily, the rest of the place says, what are you, nuts? But you always wanna play it safe. So what you do is take your vacuum cleaner and hook up one of these attachments right into your mail slot. See, like that, see? Perfect fit. Coincidence... Pretty much, yeah. Then what you wanna do is plug the vacuum cleaner in to one of these timers that they have to turn the lights on and off. These are for people who think they can fool burglars by having their lights come on and go off at exactly the same second every day. Now, don't just put that into your normal power. You wanna run that off your stove wiring. That'll give the vacuum cleaner a little extra pizazz. Okay, and the beauty there is you don't need her to be on for very long. Just set it to go, say, on at 7:00 and off at 7:05. And really it's just that simple and a lot easier than asking your neighbours to pick up your paper. Plus, you don't need to buy a thank-you card for your vacuum cleaner. All right, this is the tower speaking. Possum air flight number one, you are clear for take-off. Harold: This is flight number one commencing take-off. How are we looking, tower? You know, it's hard to tell. I can't see you over the hedge. Can you go up any higher? Harold: That's what I'm trying to do! [ engine sputtering ] holy smokes! There's a clothesline dead ahead! Watch out! Harold, pull up! Harold, for god sakes! [ harold screaming ] are you okay? [ harold sputtering ] what is it? Harold: Long underwear! But we made it. We're flying. I feel funny, like my head's going to explode. Well, that's because you're flying upside down. Harold: That explains so much. [ airplane engine zooming by ] harold: Wow! That is better. Thank you, dalton. How are red and mike making out? Harold: I'll see. Ah! Dalton! They're gone! They must've fell out when I was flipped upside down. Can you see them? Ahhhhhhhhh! Yeah, there they are now. Uh, harold, you better just come on down. Harold: Roger! [ applause ] great news, you just won 100 air miles! Free! [ harold screaming ] [ crash! ] [ possum squealing ] - mike: Meeting time. - Red: Yeah, you go ahead. I'll be down in a minute. If my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. And I'm thinking maybe this weekend we should go visit your parents. After what I've been through today, I figure I can survive anything. The rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and captain harold and the whole gang out here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ cheers and applause ] come on, guys. Everybody in. Everybody sit down. Come on, sit down. Everybody sit down. Gather around. All rise! Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red: Sit down. All right, men, bow your heads for the men's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess. You all remember harold, the proud bird with the skinny, hairless tail?